How to stop apologizing at work and what to say instead

How to stop apologizing at work and what to say insteadHow to stop apologizing at work and what to say insteadIf youre someone who knows the value of a good apology- not just for mending fences but also for strengthening relationships in every area of life- youre way ahead of most people.But if you apologize constantly for every little thing- whether or not its warranted- listen up. You may be standing in the way of your own success.The habit of injecting the word sorry into every other sentence you utter might seem harmless on the surface. But it can undermine your authority and your confidence, portray you as weak and indecisive, and even damage your credibility.Worst of all, over-apologizing can desensitize your listeners when you want to deliver asincere and necessary apology. The more you say youre sorry, the less power it has. Remember the boy who cried intertrigo? If everything rises to the need for an apology, then nothing does.Recognizing the problemDo these casual (and unne cessary) apologies sound familiar?Sorry, can you repeat that?Im sorry, but I disagree.I have no available appointments this week. Sorry about that.Im sorry, but I have to let you go.Though oftenattributed to women, apologizing isnt just a female problem. Psychologists tell us that people who compulsively apologize for small infractions may be manifesting anything from a nervous tic to a social disorder. Frequent apologizers may be insecure, introverted, or just overly self-conscious. They may have been raised in strict families or put a high value on getting along with everyone. Sometimes the habit is an unconscious reaction tostress or anxiety.What makes some of us fall into this counter-productive habit? It might be performance anxiety, such as ourfirst day on a new jobor when we lack confidence in our ability to run with the big dogs. Its almost as if were apologizing for taking up space, which is no way to make a good impression on a job or with a client.More often, though, over -apologizing is an unconscious habit thats annoying at best, and at worst, sends one or more unwanted messages that can really work against usIm not sincere.Im afraid of you.I dont trust you to give me what I want if Im not super nice.I dont think Im good enough to talk to you, ask for anything, or even be here.Diagnose yourselfAsk yourself youve ever said you were sorry for any of the followingSaying noWinningAsking for a raiseyou deserveGetting angry about an injusticeHaving an opinionFeeling an emotionCryingFaintingThrowing upBeing injuredTending to your own needsDid you answer yes tofour or moreof the above? Read on.Consequences of too much sorryIf we dont need to apologize for having an opinion, needing help, or just being human, then what are we trying to accomplish through this behavior?Sometimes we apologize to deflect, in advance, a negative reaction to what were saying. Its as if were trying to smooth ruffled feathers before the ruffling begins.Its true that an apology, es peciallya sincere and necessary one, can actually take the heat off. The over-apology habit may begin innocently when we spontaneously apologize for a real offense. Our opponent softens or even backs down, saying, Dont worry about it, its nothing. BAM A magic bullet, we conclude. But then, as the quick and insincere apology becomes our weaponry of choice, we become almost addicted to it. Serving as both sword and shield, the frequent apology appears to disarm our opponent while protecting us from further attack.So how do you break the habit?Instead of saying Im sorryIn all your communications, but especially on the job, be brief, specific, direct, and unapologetic. Simply state the problem and how youll fix it. And then shut up.If youre uncomfortable delegating scut work, try thisWere in a crunch, and all these files need to be cataloged by end of day. Do you have what you need to get started?If youre constantly apologizing for what you cant control, try thisI know Ive had to resche dule this meeting several times. Thank you for understanding.If someone mistreats you and you start to get emotional, try thisHey, that hurt, or That isnt helpful. You can even say, I need a few minutes to collect myself, and then leave the room.Pro Tip You can leave any room under these circumstances. Even if youve just been fired. No apology necessary.If something goes wrong on your watch, try thisThe project took longer than I expected. Ill have it for you first thing tomorrow. Then stop.Helpful Hint If you missed a deadline because of your own poor time management, then you should apologize. But dont offer an apology on behalf of a team member or a difficult client.Case study How to spot when you do need to apologizeA guy Ill call Roy worked in the accounting department of my organization. Roy seemed to enjoy jerking my chain by routinely withholding information and taking forever to provide numbers I needed to do my job.The showdown came one day when I needed some of Roys data to complete a report that was due on my CEOs desk the next day. Roy informed me Id have to wait a week. Id had enough. Through clenched teeth, I said, Id hate to have to tell the CEO that his proposal got stalled on your desk. The next morning I still had no report from Roy. Instead I had a note from human resources.Apparently, in HR-speak, my remark amounted to a threat toward a subordinate, ahuge workplace blunder. Implying Roys job might be in jeopardy if he didnt cooperate was, well, harassment. The HR director strongly suggested an apology to Roy would help me avoid any unintended consequences.Deeply humbled, I swallowed my pride and went to Roys cubicle. I apologized for misusing my position to pressure him, and I showed appreciation for the thankless job he did every day. I know you have a lot of conflicting priorities, and I was just trying to muscle my way to the top of the pile, I said. Im sorry I did that. It wont happen again.I had Roys report that afternoon, and ever af terward he was pleasant and cooperative. Thats one of the magical things that can happen when you apologize appropriately. I call it the paradoxical superpower.Transforming weakness into strengthBefore we toss the baby out with the bathwater, its important to recognize several positive character traits behind the habit of over-apologizing. For instance, it may arise in someone with strong empathy for others. Empathy- the ability to consider anothers point of view and understand the feelings she may be having- is rapidly becoming a critical soft skill. Someone who knows when and how to apologize appropriately has a huge advantage in the empathy column. A study by researchers at Harvard and Wharton business schools showed that certain apologies can even increase trust.So where does this leave the over-apologizer who wants to reform?First, take comfort in the fact that youre probably a good, considerate person who wants everyone to get along. Youre also likely to score highly on the em pathy scale, a huge asset in business and life. What you dont want is to appear to be afraid of the space you occupy, to be someone who lacks the courage of her convictions or who doesnt feel entitled tospeak her mind.Like any other schwimmbad habit,overcoming it takes practice. Youll try avoiding the words Im sorry for a while, stumble, and get back on track. Try taking a friend or trusted co-worker into your confidence about what youre trying to accomplish, and agree on a high sign she can give you if she hears you apologizing unnecessarily. Then, reward yourself for the effort.And keep at it. What you lose by giving up the emotional currency of frequent apologies, you will gain back inpersonal confidenceand self-esteem. Thats something of real value.Bottom lineDont apologize unnecessarily- know how to recognize when a sincere apology is necessary.This article was originally published on Career Contessa.